The Smoking Gun Journal

Coming To

Another puff, another cough,
restraint is needed, this advice be heeded.

Rude awakening

There’s doubt and certainty,
both woven intermittently,
choose certainty!
It will lead you home,
otherwise your dome,
would say “here lies a smoker,
thought of himself as quite a joker”


It’s like a fire has risen,
in the center of my chest,
The gift of life I’ve chosen,
I’ve kept abreast,
of my desire to live,
now I give,
to myself again,
the golden gain,
that annihilates the acid rain,
that smoking brings,
we’re kings,
in kind, of our mind,
our body & our soul,
No more a smoke smitten ghoul!
Smoking is foul!

After Relapse no. 1

Lazy, unmotivated,
sleepy, my body is un-calibrated.
The second crave hits,
Knocking rationality to bits,
thinking of ways to get a hit,
But “NO! not one bit not one bit”.
Writing helps it turns me up,
I’m on the clock, I gotta work,
easy way out is having a cigarette,
(Sup homie why don’t you have a Nicorette?)
but “NO! not even a sip of tea”,
I’m floating in the infinite sea,
come to me shore, so I can stand,
Getting up is quite a chore, God take my hand,
Positive thought pattern in place,
I win! And ciggy loses this race.
Pay attention there’s work at hand,
I’ve saved my quit & I’ve made it grand.

After relapse no. 2

Wake up you fucker,
You bloody cigarette sucker.
I’ve words to have with you,
call me your heavenly thou.
Come connect with my emotion,
I’ll help you be rid of commotion.
Now, I the body, mind & soul,
also the putrid, crappy, sordid ghoul,
take an oath to see my fear,
over the horizon disappear.
En mi Corazon,
I vow,
yes I vow,
to surrender,
My vices voy a apprender.

After relapse no. 3

Hello all,
I took a call
on the demon,
I took to smoking and discarded the angel,
I laughed as I smoked, and put down my bible,
Scribble this, scribble that,
I fell flat.
Now, I smoked half a cigarette,
That I do regret,
nah man I mean . yes I do!,
You see I’m kind of confused,
Look at my rhymes they no longer rhyme,
ciggy took inspiration that’s its crime.
P.s Just a head up to all,
I’m neither drunk nor mad as they call,
I just metaphorically use them words,
heed them not for they be my swords,
and the grammar somehow has slipped,
since that ciggy that I little lipped,
tone going down too, That ain’t munchkins,
Fell crappy and not a lot happy.
See me reset my date another time,
if I weren’t human it’d sure be a crime.

After relapse no. 4

So I got a crave,
time to be brave,
Let me now my honor save,
at least before I hit the grave,
The past week I smoked,
about it I voraciously joked,
I’ve mocked, I’ve scorned,
instigated and warned,
guilt trips and wide ambition,
“a smoker never quits” that’s my rendition,
So today I tell myself hey boy,
for the love of god, stop being coy,
You’re parading your ass as your own decoy,
god darn it you’re spending your joy,
So quit now and quit forever,
build a dam like a wise beaver,
and stop the flow of those cravings wild,
let go of the urge to smoke a classic mild,
Don’t mess with your brain child,
Instead go to that QuitNet guild,
where quitters join hands and build,
a smoke free world that’s fit for you child.
Hold your horses and stop running wild.

Some relief

Going good,
one moment at a time,
feeling better,
I haven’t spent dime,
on those cancer sticks,
or those chewy ‘bricks’,
they call chewing gums,
we ain’t chums.


I’m gonna say a few things,
one I got wings.
Two Imma use them to fly,
higher than the highest sky.
Three below my wings lay the Nicodemon souls,
wandering like needy ghouls.
His friend Nicomonster I’ve slain too,
he no longer says boo.
Nicoqueen on the other hand is burning,
nicoking in hell is churning.
They never get close to me anymore,
I’m free of them forevermore.
Wait one moment at a time,
for me smoking is a crime.

After relapse no. 5, 6 and 7

I’ve quit 7 times in 10 days,
My insight says,
Why you don’t read you exalt,
Why you don’t read a prayer,
why you always be a sissy,
you’re still smoking after that missy,
who you left 6 years ago,
you need to have a sit down with your ego.
But congrats you left smoking twice,
glad you conquered you sickening vice,
a year and a quarter, then two years and a week,
Go now do of what you said, why you so meek?
Bloody karma my neck it wrings.
This calamity, I fly away with my wings,
you’re all word and no act,
I can say that for a fact,
You react to every crave,
go on zip now show me brave.


So yeah cigarettes them I’ve quit,
on the devil’s mouth I spit.
I asked him and he sent the nicodemon my way,
Here are few choice word I say.
Goddammit heaven am I fallen yet?
What more now my whole soul, my spirit, my life I’ve bet.
Get down to quitting another addiction,
solemnly swearing to live by my conviction,
Yet no peace came till I was trapped,
For the past 6 years I’ve rapped.
The devil came I cracked,
my pants I crapped.
Now my potential I’ve tracked,
since then on I’ve rapped.
Take that Ms A this one’s for you,
forsake my soul to end the heavenly thou,
my cow got sold for nickel and a dime,
so I just sat back and started to mime.
Doing things on YouTube top 100 playlist,
turns out now I am a self-hating misogynist.
Looks like the world goes down to the dogs at last,
no good left behind evil deeds go on fast.
Track back to hell,
the cat with a bell,
the devil’s been slain,
for my personal gain.
Now I look to light,
the next frontier.
I’ve chosen to do right,
I’m on another tier.
This time Mr addiction no’s 1, 2, three, four and five,
no getting out of my body alive!
I’ve found the key to my potential,
I’m going to fulfill my potential. . . well look at the time,
better get back to work.. . . . Maybe more later. 🙂

After relapse no. 8

This time I’ll be ready for it.
NO BS, no hating.
No more suffocating,
myself with smoke,
it’s not a joke.
I know when I smoke,
also when years ago I toked,
It messed me up, now I realize,
it’s really long so I’ll summarize.
That it’s my life after all,
I’m the one who’ll pick me up when I fall.
Now & forever I’ll stand tall,
answer my body soul and spirits call.
Tear apart addiction,
for my self-validation.
Now if anyone knows who can make a rap beat,
do let me know that would be quit neat.

After relapse no. 9

Little words of wisdom,
scattered here and there,
time to my feelings bare,
shut up quit “I’m smarter I’m stronger”
“I can smoke for as much longer”.
No I can’t “Yes I can I’m in it for the thrill”
you can’t shut me off with that Bupron pill”
Don’t know why don’t know how,
every day I sleep he gets stronger somehow.
Little times I fed him up with a ciggy,
looks like he eats pork and I am the piggy.

Desperate measures

No more am I a smoky Joe,
I kicked the bud and forth I go.
Yet still doubt lingers in the pit of the stomach,
better I keep it out of reach.
I’ve no money to smoke today,
I just have enough to travel back home today.
I left one card at home the other is empty,
So if I give in to the tempting,
and take a smoke, I’ll have to walk back home.
10 miles at least, and I’m no marathon beast.
I’ll continue this for the next month or three,
because from smoking I wish to be free.

What was your biggest challenge?

The biggest challenge was not 10 minutes ago,
when returned the menace of the smoky ego.
I went out but god had my side,
by my quit I was able to abide.
All I brought was a packet of biscuits,
was able to thwart the smoky neural circuits.


Le death stick of slow torture,
fucks up your life,
fucks up your posture,
puts you in strife.
Takes your will, one cigarette at a time,
you think that’s big, there is more to its crime.

Final frontier? – Is it over yet?

I’m starting to cough,
Smoke is hurting my throat,
I mind that my odor is rough,
Its like a smelly coat.
Stale air escapes my clothes,
putrid repulsive to my senses,
my being loathes
– yes loathes these morbid advances.

Relapse – later than days eleven minus one,
folly be mine that I took this battle alone.

Can’t taste very well now,
neither can I smell,
although as I write somehow,
of the feeling on which I’d rather not dwell.
Frigging begeezes, gracious god,
let me quit this game,
this sucking of the cancer rod,
and romanticizing it as my dame.

I know I’ve quit, I’ve said a thousand times before,
though the greed of the hit, would cast me in blood and gore.

My hands tremble, shaky for everyone to see,
I’m wrought in this gamble, even though I wish to be free.

God-darn it f**k you man,
you suck worse than the one who ran.
Admit you like it,
don’t give me s**t.

I’m human you know, hence I’m deceptive as such,
It’s a bloody show, and you’d like it as much.

You parade your ass, prancing in front of masses,
you appear crass, did you take some classes?

Wake up man smell the fresh air,
Yes you can, you can do it with flair.
There’s that frigging motivation again,
tell me you like it don’t you?
Its your hope in the pain,
along with praying to thou.

© ANUPAM DWIVEDI – all rights reserved

Looking for a way out? Read Smoking realization and cessation


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